Body Positive: Love Thy Self

Hey girl, it is I, the Queen of self-loathing and out there in the world there are millions of girls who sometimes feel the same way. It is human nature to compare yourself to the models on Sports Illustrated and regret you ever ate that cheeseburger 3 days ago, yet, loving ourselves does not come so easily. There are soooo many blog posts on how to lose weight, beauty routines, and overall "becoming" beautiful (and I have read most of them). However, there are not enough posts about just accepting and embracing yourself. I am not going to give you a guide line on how to achieve this happiness because everyone is different, but I just want to talk and be able to express how I (and my three gals, Scarlett, Natalia, and Moet) feel about our bodies.

Me

I was always the chubby kid and that might not ever change. I was the big girl in my classes, my friendship circle, and at home. My father blamed it on genetics and my stepmom blamed it on my eating habits, yet, this body is all I have ever known. I would always compare myself to my pretty friends ,who all had their own battles, and my much slimmer sister. It was not until high school that my anxiety, insecurities, and depression collided. I wish I could tell you guys the horrid things I endured my first two years. When I moved to South Jersey I did not want to be the D.U.F.F anymore nor the geeky theater kid. Theater was what I loved but I could not balance that with the gym so I stopped doing it. My schedule went: Go to school, walk to the Gym at 4, get home from the gym at 8, and homework. Everyday. I saw slow progression and it uplifted my ego. Then, I started modeling and I tell you, when you are segregated from your fellow modeling peers and deemed "plus size" at such a young age you may or may not become scarred. I know for a fact I was. I modeled specifically for plus size even though I fit in a size 12. This devastated me but I thought to myself, "I am serving as a role model for girls like me". How inspirational, right? Yeah, until I was on the cover of the Philadelphia Inquirer (photo above) modeling my prom dress. The interviewer asked me questions like, "tell me your struggles on shopping", "what are things you cannot wear as a plus size girl", or my personal favorite, "Who are your role models" because all my role models were slim. Never in my life did I know that there were specific things a girl like me could wear. When I saw, myself on that cover I thought to myself, "How can I be an advocate for beauty when I look like this? Like a whale." That following morning, the newspaper was all over the school and my classmates saw it. This was my Junior year. 

My senior year, I developed an eating disorder.

I did not realize I was dealing with an eating disorder until a friend of mine pointed it out. I did everything possible to avoid eating and filled the hunger void with coffee. I kept myself busy all day at the gym. I went from a pant size 12 (starting junior year) to a size 8 (start of my senior year). My clothes were starting to look and fit nicer, and I started making friends at this new school. I got invited to parties and out with my classmates, something that did not happen before in my Junior Year. Back then, I associated this with the fact that I looked slimmer so it glamorized my ability to not eat more than one meal when in reality, I started making friends because I let myself; I put myself out there because my ego was going up. Obviously, I did not understand that. I became so shallow. Coming into College, I would make a joke like, "OMG, I forgot to eat today haha". Insensitive, right? I did not realize that one of my friends dealt with anorexia. And I dealt with my own battles as well but no, I was "perf". Social standards ruined a big part of my life and it is not until now that I realize it. I am so thankful to have people in my life, right now, that empower me everyday.

Moet

For my female sexuality project in Digital Imaging, I had asked my friend Moet to model for me because she encompasses true self appreciation. Despite the beauty standards in society she radiates her own beauty. I ask her, when facing beauty standards, what do you do to suppress these beauty "bullies" and she replies, "Shit on them, just kidding, tell them that everyone has their own opinion of beauty and shouldn't judge someone for being beautiful in their own way." I could not have said it any better, Moet. Girls now a days, don't realize that the Kardashian beauty standard will not always be the social norm. It is a trend and trends pass. Beauty standards are different depending on the era and place so, it is physically impossible to fit into all those standards. I think an easier way to just be, is be yourself. Like you literally do not have to anything: Headline "Lazy Girl Way To Looking Good: Knowing You Look Good".

Scarlet

I love this photo of her, it screams "I am feline and I am fierce," which is a second part to my project. Scar tells me, "Learn to accept yourself in all forms, you become happier when you do so. You don't worry about the scale of what size jeans you are. What you want to change, be it your appearance or body, you make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. I have to know and accept that I am built a certain way. I have to accept that it's a process if I'm not fully happy with the way I look or feel, I have to be positive about the process and be consistent with the process." She proves a good point, which is, if you want to better your health or appearance do it because it is the right thing to do. If it makes you feel good to have a goal at the gym, then go for it. Just know that you are a beautiful person regardless and should not obsess over outcome; obsessing over an endpoint is what causes unhealthy mentalities. I am glad to have her as my roommate who helps me everyday with my mental and physical stability.

Natalia 

I had asked Natalia, who is miles away at WVU, to send me a picture of herself; I did not tell her how I wanted it but she chose to send a make-up free selfie. How many of you can say you feel comfortable going bare-faced? Not me, but I work on it everyday. When I asked her what she would say to a girl who deals with insecurities in her own skin she replies, "I would say that beauty isn't about what you look on the like on the outside, it's more about how you feel on the inside, how you see yourself, how to treat yourself, and how you treat other people. Your body is ALWAYS beautiful. There will never be someone exactly like you so, you're unique and your personality. Treating other people nicely, now that's beauty. How you treat yourself is beautiful." Your body is a temple and you should treat it that way. Decorate that temple however you'd like, just take care of it because you only have one. Not only that, but respect other people's temple because it is not yours.

Hey Girl, it's Me Again

This. This is me. Sometimes I dream that I am someone else but I wake up to her, my reflection. This week, I learned a lot about myself considering I spent a lot of my time alone in my room. I realized that I really love how I look in lingerie and I am not afraid to express my sexuality. I realized that dressing for my body is not a thing, I wore what I liked (all the clothes big girls "cannot" wear). I woke up early in the morning and went to the gym, not because I want to be skinny but because I'm an adrenaline feen. I realized that I am passionate not aggressive, which some people tend to get all mixed up. I noticed I always have a soft spot for villains because I know they were not always like that. I differentiated having to eat and wanting to eat, so I only eat to fulfill a healthier lifestyle. I went back to being a theater nerd and writing, even if it is for my eyes only, more often. A lot of my clothes do not fit me anymore (they're too small) but that's okay because being "plus sized" is not something to be ashamed of. Now, this post does not end with, "Now, I have found inner peace with my body" but I wish it did. The truth is, it is a working progress and you're not going to automatically wake up tomorrow excepting every part of your body but it is the journey and how you get there that truly matters. 

To the hunger pang teenager I once was, this post is for you. This is for all of you who thinks they are struggling by themselves, reach out to some one because there is strength in numbers. 

So, I poured my heart out but hey, what is a blog for right? I want to hear from you guys though so please comment below any struggle or anything that is happening in your life. Let us go out into the world and spread positivity: it starts here in the cyber world :)

***Disclaimer: All these photos are mine except for the first photo***